Moving On.

I grew up going to church. I grew up AME and later AMEZ. Proud of that. My mama is a pastor. I’ve served consistently on worship teams since 2005. I mean hard core with my husband. We were two young adults who were passionate about sharing Jesus with everyone. We were in church 5-6 times a week. Sunday service(s) all day. Healing and deliverance service at night. Bible study. Choir rehearsal. All night prayer. Special events. Mr. Donnie used to cut the lights out on us we were there so much! (Shout out to him, he is a great guy) I loved my community. I love God. I love Jesus, too, although my view of Jesus has shifted.

And don’t get me wrong, the church I’m at now is cool. It’s one of those multicultural looking churches where all the pastors wear denim jackets and Jordans. They only let women preach on Mother’s Day, I don’t like that, but I digress. It’s a fun time tho mostly. We have a lot of members, coffee, and everyone is super hospitable. But the one thing that bothers me is how right leaning it is, and in times like these you can really tell. It’s giving, “Thank you Jesus, we now have a man of God back in office.” Chile….

However, as I continue to grow on my spiritual journey and in my practice as well as learn more about the history of this country and the history of my people, I can’t bring myself to worship along someone who actively supports this current administration let alone sit under that type of leadership. It don’t sit right with my spirit and I’m tired of fakin like it do.

I don’t wanna sit in a service where my LGBTQIA+ kinfolk get talked bad about. Nobody is trynna turn yo kids gay, leave them people alone! I don’t wanna be in a space where in the youth ministry, the main thing they push is purity culture and don’t be gay. Everybody getting married as soon as they turn 18 so they aren’t lusty and having sex outta wedlock. Like let’s calm down, youngins. Marriage is a lifelong commitment and your frontal lobe isn’t fully developed.

I don’t wanna sit in a service that will quote Dr. King on his birthday, but won’t call out racism and white supremacy like him. How you calling for racial reconciliation when you won’t even acknowledge that it’s an issue?

I don’t wanna sit with a group of people who feel like “I’m a Christian before I’m Black” like gtfo and I mean immediately! Cuz my Blackness informs how I view Christianity! It informs how I view everything. Pride in my Blackness should not be viewed as opposite of my faith.

I don’t want to sit with a group of people who view any spiritual practices that aren’t Christian demonic. It’s giving colonizer, and I need more people to see that. Christians do not have a monopoly on God, nor do they own holiness.

And this is no shade toward one particular church, for me it’s all of the churches like that. My Mama calls them McChurches. And low key she ain’t wrong. Same colors, same type of buildings, SAME SONGS omg, same fog machine, same dark concert vibe, baby cut them lights on!!!!

It’s like, cookie-cutter presentation with the real issues lying just beneath the surface. They’ll never be addressed bc the people there would rather pretend like it don’t exist on Sunday. Whole time voting that orange piece of shit into office and letting him and his fuck ass crew tear the whole country up.

I’m not wit it.

I am 40 years old. I’m at a point in my life where authenticity is mandatory. I can’t be fake, nor can I continue to not speak out about the things I feel are important. So, I believe it’s time for me to move on. I love being in community with others, and I’m so glad that I have that, and I don’t have to go to church to get it. God’s hand has always been on me, and I believe it will always be. I have a relationship with my Creator, and I love how it is shifting and evolving. I’m not afraid of stepping away from the church anymore. People’s limbs don’t fall off just because they leave the church. They don’t die. Some even thrive. Plus to me serving looks more like giving back to the community outside the four walls of the church. The people I interact with everyday in the outside world, ya know?

I will always have love for the church. Especially the Black church. But I’m tired. White evangelical churches are not it! And as much as I love the people within the church that I’ve built community with, and as much as I love the worship team, ain’t no need in me faking the funk. So rather than be up on the platform rolling my eyes, I’m just gonna step away.

Will I stay gone? I’m not sure yet. As a hoodoo, I listen to what my ancestors say, and something about the way in which my prayin grandmothers served, led worship, and ministered sits heavy on me as something that should continue, but I don’t think like this. So moving on right now is my first step.

Thank yall for reading. I’m just now being able to put into words the things that have been on my heart. I’m not trying to offend anyone, but I have to speak what’s on my mind or I will be doing a disservice to myself.

🌺